Time to Say Goodbye

海明威初恋情人的分手信

Serving as an ambulance driver in Italy during World War I, an eighteen-year-old Ernest Hemingway was taken to a Milan hospital after an explosion badly injured his leg. In that hospital he met one of the great loves of his life—Agnes Hannah von Kurowsky, a twenty-six-year-old American nurse who cared for Hemingway as he recuperated. Hemingway was infatuated with von Kurowsky from the start, and for a time she seemed to he feelings for him as well, though von Kurowsky later said she merely “liked” him and that their relationship was nothing more than a “flirtation.” Hemingway wanted them to get married, but von Kurowsky—because of the age difference, her belief that Hemingway was immature and aimless, and her interest in other menrejected the idea. In January 1919 Hemingway left the hospital but continued to write her. Von Kurowsky decided she finally had to convince him it was over, and on March 7, 1919, she wrote Hemingway the following letter.

Ernie, dear boy,

I am writing this late at night after a long think by myself, and I am afraid it is going to hurt you, but, I’m sure it won’t harm you permanently.

For quite awhile before you left, I was trying to convince myself it was a real love-affair, because, we always seemed to disagree, and then arguments always wore me out so that I finally ge in to keep you from doing something desperate.

Now, after a couple of months away from you, I know that I am still very fond of you, but, it is more as a mother than as a sweetheart. It’s alright to say I’m a Kid, but, I’m not, and I’m getting less and less so every day.

So, Kid (still Kid to me, and always will be) can you five me some day for unwittingly deceiving you? You know I’m not really bad, and don’t mean to do wrong, and now I realize it was my fault in the beginning that you cared for me, and regret it from the bottom of my heart. But, I am now and always will be too old, and that’s the truth, and I can’t get away from the fact that you’re just a boy—a kid.

I somehow feel that some day I’ll he reason to be proud of you, but, dear boy, I can’t wait for that day, and it was wrong to hurry a career.

I tried hard to make you understand a bit of what I was thinking on that trip from Padua to Milan, but, you acted like a spoiled child, and I couldn’t keep on hurting you. Now, I only he the courage because I’m far away.

Then—and believe me when I say this, it is sudden for me, too， I expect to be married soon. And I hope and pray that after you thought things out, you’ll be able to five me and start a wonderful career and show what a man you really are.

Ever admiringly and fondly, Your friend,

Aggie

亲爱的厄尼小子：

夜已深了！我考虑了很久，还是打算写这封信给你。我怕这会伤到你，但我知道这将不会成为你永远的伤痛。

在你离开前的那段日子里，我努力使自己相信我们之间存在着真正的爱情，但因为我们好像总是意见不一。而那些吵吵闹闹也让我觉得疲惫不堪，我也不想看到你做出一些傻事出来，所以我最终还是选择放弃。

现在，在与你分开几个月之后，我知道我仍然很喜欢你。但这更像母亲，而不是爱人。我要还是个孩子就好了，可我不是，而且我也将随着时间的流逝慢慢变老。

因此，孩子（对我来说你仍然是个孩子，而且以后也是），以后你能原谅我对你无心的欺骗吗？你知道我并不是个坏人，也没有存心要伤害谁。其实在你最初喜欢我的时候，我就压根不能给你机会，这都是我的错，到现在我还耿耿于怀。我们彼此年纪相差悬殊，我现在比你大，将来还是比你大，这是无法改变的事实。而你还只是个小伙子，一个孩子而已，这也是我不能回避的现实。

不知何故我总觉得有一天我会以你为荣，可是，亲爱的小子，我不能等到那一天，对我来说草率的生活是不对的。

在从帕多瓦到米兰的旅途上，我努力尝试让你了解我的一些想法，可你却像个被宠坏了的孩子，使我不忍心再伤害你。而现在，我们离得很远，我才有勇气这么做。

还有，我很快就要结婚了——请相信我，当我说这话的时候，连我自己也觉得突然。等你想清楚之后，我希望并恳请你能原谅我，并开始你美好的生活，展现真正的自己。

永远爱你、喜欢你的朋友，

Aggie